Want to know something amazing about your child? I'm about to teach you something that is going to change your parenting experience for the better. It's going to create a relationship that blossoms as they grow and it'll improve their behaviour and mental health too. Plus, what I am about to teach you is relevant whether your child is 2 or 12 and it’ll help you to understand them and communicate better with them.
Our children have key biological needs that go beyond being fed, having fresh air or getting enough sleep...and I’m going to teach you an easy way to remember them...Meet Luis. (Lewis like Hamilton not the Prince Louis).
Without realising it, our children are asking themselves these questions all the time. and the way we respond to our children, answers these questions for them.
Before we unpack it, I just want to mention that so much of what happens is an unintentional miscommunication. This post isn't designed to make any parent feel bad. In a nutshell, we can learn from Luis and make small changes to our behaviour that have a big impact on our children's.
Luis stands for love, understanding, importance and safety. 4 key things that our children need as they grow throughout childhood and beyond. When we talk about meeting our children's needs, these 4 things are of huge importance for them. Without one of these four things we can see more challenging behaviour and an impact on self-esteem, confidence and overall emotional well-being.
So let's look at each area in more detail. I'll explain why it's important and things you can use or try to connect with your child more.
Am I Loved?
Our children need to feel connected to us and to know they are loved unconditionally. We know we love our children but sometimes, our behaviour doesn't always communicate this with our children. For example, we might feel that we demonstrate our love through cuddles and kisses whereas our child might feel loved when we play with them. If they're asking us to play and we are saying we are busy. What does this communicate?
Things to try…
Get down on their level and give them your focused attention.
Let them accidentally overhear you say nice things about them.
Create a special handshake.
Plan things to do together.
Make them something.
Am I Understood?
Our children need to feel like we understand them and that they belong. This has to happen even when we can't understand why they're making such a big fuss or when they’re behaving in a less than desirable way. They need to know to know that we are there for them and that we will help them. For example when they throw themselves on the floor screaming they need our empathy not our criticism.
Things to try…
Physically sit alongside them when they’re upset.
Verbalise how they're feeling and say that you understand - things like..."it's hard when you can't have what you want", "it's okay to feel angry" or "I love you whether you are happy or sad."
Ask for their opinion when you're doing or planning something.
Talk to them about your own feelings and expectations.
Model healthy coping mechanisms when you're frustrated or upset.
Am I Important?
Much like with my point on love, we know that our children are the most important thing in our lives. Ultimately, many parents would argue that since their child was born, their entire lives have been about them and what they need. But when we are distracted by our phones or our daily, unavoidable chores, sometimes it can unintentionally make our children feel like they don’t matter. We want our children to feel valued and to know that we notice them and we listen to them.
Things to try...
Communicate with them about things that are happening in your family.
Treat them with respect and avoid belittling them with language like "only babies do that"
Give them focused 1:1 attention without distractions.
Listen to them.
Give them empathy.
Show them that you trust them.
Am I safe?
I’m talking less about physical safety here and more about relational safety - however our children need to feel physically safe first. Once we have ensured that. we need to make sure they feel emotionally safe. For children this means knowing that they are always loved and will always be cared for even if they cry, shout, scream or physically react. As hard as those behaviours are, we don’t want our children to be suppressing how they feel because they feel unsafe around us.
Things to try…
Allow their feelings - this means not punishing them for being sad or angry.
Have clear boundaries within your home and family - for example rules and routines.
Follow through on logical and natural consequences.
Be consistent with your expectations to make them feel secure.
I hope you've found this blog post useful. If you'd like more ideas on how to boost your child's confidence and self-esteem you can download our free Words of Affirmation eBook here:
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